Five-Finger Shoes & Some Other Sports Equipment You Shouldn’t Wear in Public

People email me every time I point out the fact that Five Finger Shoes and their ilk are perhaps the ugliest footwear fad, well, ever. (I was going to write “since aqua sox,” but Five Finger Shoes are significantly uglier than aqua sox. In fact, if someone had never seen Five Finger Shoes, a good way to describe them would be: “remember aqua sox? Imagine you were dreaming about aqua sox, and then the dream turned into a terrible nightmare.”)

So, in honor of Five Finger Shoes, which may have some sports-related functional reason to exist, here are a few other pieces of athletic equipment I don’t think you should wear in public, and some important lessons you should draw.

  1. Speedo. No one wants to see the grotesquely suggestive outline of your dick or toes.
  2. Baseball glove. Don’t transform your digits into a terrifying monstrosity.
  3. Cleats. Your footwear shouldn’t scare children.
  4. Dancer’s cup. Calls attention to the wrong thing.
  5. Bike shorts. See number one.

This time around, several folks told me that in order to benefit from running in toe shoes, you have to wear them to the grocery store, and what is my suggestion?

My suggestion is to get yourself some aqua sox and take up swimming.