Can anyone explain what the point of Don Mattingly is if he doesn’t have a mustache?
“When I see people wearing flip-flop sandals in public, it sickens me. What if Red Dawn happens and some Communists land in parachutes, and we have to suddenly run or fight them, and you’re wearing flip-flip sandals?! That’s beachwear.”— Nick Offerman, demonstrating why there is no room for flip-flops on the Ron Swanson Pyramid of Greatness
From my pal Hodgman, who has been fighting to save his own mustache from the vicissitudes of the entertainment industry.
“When you dare Burt Reynolds, be prepared for anything. That is what comic Steve Martin found out when he dared the actor to shave off his mustache during the telecast of NBC-TV’s “the Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson” on September 25, 1978. Martin told Burt: “You’re not a wild and crazy guy are you?” At that Reynolds got a razor from a prop man and began shaving the mustache he had since 1973. He also worse a fake arrow through his head. (UPI Photo/handout/Files)”
Q and Answer: What Facial Hair Should I Wear?
Ian writes: What constitutes appropriate facial hair? I’ve been sporting a goatee (just the chin, the mustache addition is the Van Dyke), but I’ll soon be graduating from law school and looking for jobs suitable for a middle-of-the-curve student. I have no idea what is considered appropriate- any advice? The well-dressed gentlemen is appropriate from head to toe, so I feel like this is included in your milieu.
Ah, the goatee. Once the province of the hipster - the kind of hipster that snaps at the end of a particularly great poetry reading. Now the province of the yokel and the doof. The kind of yokel and doof who wear a goatee.
I understand completely your desire to tend a facial garden. We all have that desire. Sometimes, though, we must fight it.
Adam, my co-author, has a full beard. It looks fantastic. It’s striking, it’s well-cared-for, and it makes him look both serious and gentle. If you are lucky enough to look great with a beard, then grow away. Keep it neat, but feel free to get all Paul Kinsey. You deserve it. (And don’t do the 5-o’clock-shadow thing. You’ll look like a douchey agent type.)
However, almost any other type of facial hair is profoundly dangerous. The ironic moustache is ascendant in my neck of the woods, and is horrible. It’s so popular that the sincere mustache, which we might otherwise get behind, is almost impossible to pull off. The goatee is so poisoned by 15 years of steroid-addled third basemen that my mind starts to overheat just trying to think about a context in which it will look anything but silly.
Look: here’s a test. If you ask ten people who you know, but aren’t deeply invested in you what they think of their facial hair, at least nine should say it looks “great” or “fantastic.” They should be certain that it’s better than none. NINE OUT OF TEN.
Otherwise, shave it off, and keep it clean. You’ll look younger, fresher, and you won’t have to worry about the messages you’re sending.
(PS: If you’re bald, like Larry David and above, you might look extra cool with facial hair. We spent a whole improv show admiring Brian Huskey’s mustache recently, and the guy who stars in this movie looks amazing with an unkempt beard. But still, no goatees.)
“[Senate Parliamentarian Alan] Frumin has a mustache, and doesn’t like giving interviews. He traveled to Germany in 2006 and India in 2008, and attended Barack Obama’s inauguration, as well as his White House luau, according to photos publicly available on Google. Sometimes he wears cut-off jean shorts, according to the same [Google image search] photos.” - New York Magazine
The Handlebar Club enjoys a drink. 1947.
The world needs more of this, and less of that other stuff.
via Black Watch