Put This On

Q and Answer: Choosing an Engagement Ring

A reader (whose name will not be disclosed for obvious reasons) writes: I understand that Put This On is primarily concerned with men’s style;
however, part of being a man is selecting an engagement ring for your
beloved. I don’t have much experience with women’s jewelry. Are
synthetic diamonds in poor taste? How much is a reasonable amount to
spend on an engagement ring? What type of metal should be used? What
ring style is classic?

I got engaged about three years ago now, and it was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.  Being married to someone wonderful is a joy and a comfort beyond words.  Congratulations on the big step!

Now, on to your question.

First of all… yes, synthetic diamonds are in poor taste.  Generally speaking, synthetic anything is in poor taste.  The simulacrum is not well-regarded in taste circles, generally.  So dump that idea.

Real diamonds, of course, are a fraught issue themselves.  I’m not going to go too deep into it, but there are two big issues.  The first, and most pressing, is conflict (or blood) diamonds.  Many of the sources of newly-mined diamonds are in regions beset by horrific wars, and the funds from the sale of these diamonds fund this violence.  There have been many efforts to eradicate this problem from the industry, but none are perfect.  The industry itself, even the non-conflict-diamond part, is pretty fucked, too.  It’s full of creepy cartels and collusion and awful colonialist and post-colonialist grossness.  So: just don’t buy a new diamond.

That leaves you two choices, both of which (in my opinion) are quite good.  The first is to consider a non-diamond gem.  The whole diamonds are forever thing is a bit of an industry construct, and while diamonds are quite beautiful, there are other choices that are similarly beautiful, and less expensive to boot.  You should only choose this route, of course, if you’re very confident that your fiancee doesn’t prefer the traditional diamond engagement ring.  (Of course, this tradition was in large part created and fostered by the diamond industry, but that’s a whole other story.)  Generally, remember that she is going to wear this ring for the rest of her life, and if you don’t think you know her taste, you must take a conservative route.

There is one diamond option that isn’t tainted: buying a vintage ring.  Rings that we would recognize as engagement rings were produced starting around the end of the 19th century, and there are many, many options available to you.  Spend some time looking at vintage rings on eBay to familiarize yourself with the jewelry styles of the first half of the 20th century, if you’re not familiar already.  I love the filigree and geometric qualities of an art deco ring, for example, and that’s what my wife wears.  Truthfully, most jewelry made before the 50s or so is “classic” enough to be worn for a lifetime without ever looking dated.  That is to say, it will always look old, but never passe.

The size of the diamond will be the primary determinant of the cost (and value) of the ring.  A beautiful setting helps, but mostly it’s the stone.  Diamonds are graded on clarity, color, size and cut.  Elements other than size are much less important in an old “mine cut” diamond than they are in a contemporary diamond, though.  In a vintage diamond, you’re mostly looking for eye appeal.  Look for something beautiful to your eye, then get it appraised independently.  When browsing, some familarity with eBay closing prices will give you an idea of how much the markup is at the retail outlet where you’re shopping.

Most cities should have plenty of estate jewelry stores at which you can browse, and each will have many choices.  Find something you love.  eBay is a totally reasonable option as well, but remember that it can be tough to judge size of stones and so forth by looking at a photograph.  Remember, too, that you should take the same cautions you would if you were buying, say, a used car online.  Reputable dealer, independent appraisal, good return policy, and so forth.

When it comes to metals, most older rings will be yellow gold, and some will be white or rose gold.  Platinum jewelry was much more uncommon in the first half of the 20th century than it is today.  Yellow’s usually the safest way to go, but you should generally know if your lady prefers white or yellow metals in her jewelry.  There are also settings that include both yellow and white gold, which are even safer.

Sizing can be tricky, but it’s inexpensive (forty bucks or so).  The best thing to do is steal a ring that fits her, find out what size it is, then have the ring you buy resized to that size.  If it isn’t a perfect fit, it can be adjusted.

As far as how much to spend, remember two (slightly contradictory) things.  The first is that it will be on her finger forever, so you’ll want to get the best piece you can.  The second is that its symbolic meaning so far outstrips its financial value that no matter what you get, she will love it.  The old rule of thumb is a month’s salary, and I don’t think that’s unreasonable.  If you’re a high earner, consider whether your wife-to-be would like to be seen as, uhm, a rich lady.  Most people are fine with that, of course.  If you’re not a high earner, again, remember that the ring will be the symbol of your love and commitment, and that is more beautiful than any rock.

Remember also that you can, if you like, shop for a ring together.  If you feel her taste far outstrips yours, buy a beautiful ruby ring for a couple hundred dollars, propose with that, and after the moment has passed, mention that you’d like to shop with her for something permanent.

When it comes to your wife’s wedding band, there may be something in the family you can use.  Otherwise, you can use something simple made to match the engagement ring - a jeweler can make this for you for a modest price.

Hopefully that’s helpful.  I’m excited for you.

And by the way: when you’re shopping for your wedding band, just buy it at Costco.  Seriously.  Great prices, nice designs, free sizing.  I’m very happy I bought mine there.  Keep it simple.  Yellow gold.

One note (thanks Chuck): some people are sensitive to nickel, which was used for many years to alloy much white gold.  If your wife has had problems (other than the usual finger-turning-green) with 9K or lower gold, this may be an issue for her, and you should inquire with the jeweler about the metal used to alloy any white gold.

STYLE CELEBRITIES: THEY’RE JUST LIKE YOU!

• THEIR MOMS HAVE GARDENS.
• THEY GO TO WEDDINGS.
• THEIR WIFE INSISTS THEY TAKE A PICTURE OF THEIR OUTFIT BECAUSE THEY LOOK SO HANDSOME AND THEY SHOULD “SHOW IT TO THEIR INTERNET FRIENDS.” 

How lovely does Simon Crompton, from Permanent Style, look in his wedding suit?

This is relatively informal wedding attire for a man executed perfectly.  It’s also a near perfectly-fitting suit.

The elements: blue suit, white shirt, white square, wedding tie, black shoes.  All spectacular.

Q and Answer: When can I wear seersucker?

Sam writes: I know the traditional advice that one should only wear a seersucker suit after Memorial Day, but I’m also aware that seersucker tends to be a traditionally southern style of dress. I am now presented with the opportunity to attend a post-Memorial day wedding in the Northeast. I intend to wear my suit in an entirely un-ironic way. Can I get away with this?

Seersucker is a very, very bold statement.  As a general rule, it’s best to avoid very, very bold statements at weddings, on the theory that the attention at a wedding should be on the bride, not on the guests.

That said, I think there is room for seersucker at a wedding, particularly considering the contemporary resurgence of the fashion nationwide.  The basics are pretty simple. 

• As you’ve already figured out, you should follow the weather.  I’d be comfortable going as far back in the year as Easter if it’s hot outside. 
• You should also follow the time of day - seersucker is at home in the sun, not so much the night.  It’s fine if you’re going to an event that starts at 2, but not so much one that starts at 6.
• It should fit the occasion.  Don’t show up all Colonel Sanders-ed out to a wedding where everyone else is wearing t-shirts they got from sending in cigarette UPCs.
• You should do it right.  It should fit and look good.  This advice is a bit more nebulous, but it has to be that way.  It’s key for it not to look like a goofy costume, and that requires some panache on your part, some comfort in the role, and some great execution.

Fulfill those goals and you’ll be golden.  My pal Rob wore seersucker to my San Francisco wedding, and he looked like a million dollars.  It can be done.

Q and Answer: What To Wear To A Summer Wedding?

Stephan asks: I’m attending a few weddings this summer (one in Stockholm, the other in Windsor [Canada]), and am looking for some pointers on a solid summer suit. Both weddings are outdoor affairs (“garden party”-esque). Is a beige-coloured suit pretty safe for these sorts of affairs? I’m also looking for something I can wear back at the office.

Outdoors in summer, you’ll want to wear something that wears cool - that means lightweight wool, linen or cotton.  Fine weights of wool in tropical weaves can actually be among the coolest fabrics, but they also tend to be expensive.  If you’re the kind of guy who can afford to have a suit made, ask your tailor about frescoes. 

If you’re looking to get out of this thing cheap, cotton or linen is the way to go.  J. Crew has a lovely linen suit for about $400.  Linen’s a little classier than cotton, but if cotton’s your preference, L.L. Bean Signature’s offering is under $200 at the moment.  I haven’t been in an H&M store lately, but they’ve usually got something similar in that price range, and Target often has a decent cotton suit offering as well.

There is one further option: seersucker.  If you happen to live in the South, where it’s less affectation, more way of life, it can keep you cool and comfortable.  If you live in a place where it may seem odd, you should consider the possibility that it will make you the center of attention - weddings should always be focused on the bride.

Remember that cotton and linen suits are much more casual than their wool counterparts.  Perfect for an outdoor daytime event, but a little less suitable for an office.  If you’re going the office route, I’d recommend going with a color like navy, rather than khaki, for your suit.  That should make it sober enough for most casual-leaning business wear offices. 

All this wedding talk has got us pumped on true love, and just in time, our pal and logo designer Stefan Lawrence, from the wonderful sketch comedy group Elephant Larry, tossed this photo our way.  Stefan’s suit is made-to-measure by Freeman’s Sporting Club in New York, whose suits are made by Martin Greenfield Tailors from vintage fabrics.

A few things to notice about this wonderful ensemble:

• Stefan’s level of formality matches that of his lovely wife Biz.  She’s wearing an elegant but relatively informal wedding dress, he’s in a suit, which is similarly informal (despite what they tell you).
• His suit is contemporary, but not exaggerated.  You can see that it has a slightly narrow lapel and short jacket, as is the current style, but he’ll never be embarrassed by how it looks.
• The suit fits perfectly.  Note the slight waist suppression, the trim but well-defined shoulders, the bit of cuff showing.

If I was going to change anything about this, I might use a smaller tie knot, and I’d consider a smaller boutonniere.  Ladies and florists can get a bit overexcited when it comes to decorating men’s lapels, and particularly when they’re slim (as Stefan’s are), the flowers can overwhelm rather than compliment.  Of course, I had a big-ass lily on my lapel, so who am I to say?

All in all, this is more or less perfect execution.  Stefan looks elegant without taking any attention from his beautiful bride, he has a suit he can wear for all kinds of occasions for many years, and he looks like himself, not like he’s wearing a costume.  Well done!

Q and Answer: What to Wear as a Wedding Guest

Philip writes: Dug your post about groom and groomsmen attire. Could we get a complimentary article on what to wear to a wedding as a guest?

As a wedding guest, your job is to dress in a manner that shows you care, without upstaging the wedding party or, particularly, the bride.  After all, she’s a princess for a day and wears a tiara and all that bullshit.

• If a dress code is provided, follow it.  This even applies to black tie events during the day.  It’s not your wedding.
• “Black Tie Optional” means wear black tie unless you for some reason cannot.  Like you sincerely can’t afford to rent or buy a tuxedo.  If the dress code is truly indecipherable (I once went to a wedding event with a “Calypso Casual” dress code), it’s appropriate to ask whichever member of the wedding party you’re close with, but do so well in advance of the wedding.  Don’t bother them in the last couple of weeks, they’ve got bigger fish to fry.
• For most American weddings, a man should wear a suit.  Follow the rules for lounge suits we set out in our article about dressing as a groom (no striped suits, peak lapels more formal than notch, solid colors best, no black suits) and you’ll be fine.
• A wedding tie is not a requirement, but it does add a bit of class to your ensemble.
• Outdoor weddings are generally slightly less formal than indoor.
• During the summer, linen is fine, cotton is fine, and if you live somewhere (like the Southeast) where seersucker is normal-ish, seersucker is fine.
• A suit without a tie or a sport coat will work well for a more casual wedding.
• Stick with black shoes for all but the most casual ceremonies.
• A carnation in your lapel will make all the difference.  Stop by a florist on the way and spend a dollar.
• Under no circumstances are you to wear a tie without a jacket, unless the wedding is taking place behind the counter of a bank.

Q and Answer: Hippie Wedding

Michael writes: I am getting married in August, and my partner and I are having trouble finding non-formal attire for me to wear. The wedding is on a small island off the coast of Vancouver known for it’s hippy-dippy ways (not that we’re too hippy-dippy ourselves). Do you have any sartorial recommendations for something that will look good without being formal? Right now we just know that we’ll both be wearing Cydwoq shoes.

Sometimes someone writes to us and I’m frankly not sure if they’re making fun of me… or at the very least trying to provoke me.

Speaking of which: a good way to provoke me is to trick me into googling “Cydwoq shoes.” It’s sort of like asking Tommy Lasorda his opinion of Kingman’s performance.

So rather than rising to the bait, I will pretend the last sentence of this email DOES NOT EXIST.  Because I am not a hornet’s nest to be prodded with a stick for your amusement.  Blocking from my memory the appearance of those horrible shoes has come surprisingly easily, though I expect only years of therapy will correct my post-traumatic stress.

As for what you can wear to an informal wedding in August, how about a linen suit?  Looks like Vancouver is usually in the mid-70s that time of year, and linen will be plenty cool enough, and give you the rumpled, natural appearance that hippies love so very much.  The coat will also protect you in case of a cool spell.  There’s no need for a tie, just a nice white shirt and a nice linen suit.

So, now that your clothes are sorted out, start worrying about your officiant.

What should I wear for my wedding?

For men who aren’t confident in their style, the question of what to wear on their wedding day can be a source of tremendous discomfort and fear.  So much so that men often abdicate their one tiny bit of wedding day autonomy to their wives-to-be.  I say: stop.  Don’t.  Your fiancee does not know the answer, though she may think she does.  If she does think she does, your situation is even worse.  Dress yourself.  LIKE A MAN.

I know that you may need some help.  That’s why we’re here.

And I’ll get to the help in a second, but first, one commandment from on high: DO NOT WEAR A TUXEDO DURING THE DAY.  It’s called an evening suit for a reason.  Again: DO NOT WEAR A TUXEDO DURING THE DAY.

Now, on to the friendly advice.

Weddings are important, and thus demand some level of formality.  If like most Americans, your wedding is during the day, you have several levels of formality available to you: formal (a morning suit), semi-formal (a stroller) and informal (a suit, or as it is traditionally known, a “lounge suit”).  Each of these has an evening equivalent - white tie (formal), black tie (semi-formal) and, again, the lounge suit for a more informal ceremony.  (There are also some people who get married on a beach wearing flip-flops and a sarong.  We wish them the best of luck.)

Daytime Formal: Morning Dress

The traditional daytime formal style is called morning dress.  If you live in the United States, you won’t see this style of dress, but it persists a bit more in the UK, where it’s sometimes worn for holidays like Easter, in addition to weddings.  Here in the US, you’re most likely to see it on lawyers arguing before the Supreme Court, or, from time to time, in daytime weddings.

This outfit is worn above by President Ronald Reagan to meet with the Japanese Emperor.  It features a tailcoat, typically with peak lapels and one button, along with special trousers, which are black, white and silver, either in a pattern called a “cashmere stripe,” or in a heavy chalk stripe or a check.  The man also wears a vest in dove grey (or buff), and a wedding tie.  Like the pants, the wedding tie features a pattern in black, silver and white.  (You can also wear a wing collar and an ascot, but even I think that’s a bit much.)  These are paired with simple black shoes, well shined.  No split toes, no rubber soles, no bluchers with the lace hole area separate from the forefoot.

It’s nearly impossible to find this stuff ready-to-wear in the United States.  It’s possible to find these clothes vintage, but can be difficult.  Most bespoke tailors and many made-to-measure houses will be familiar with them and able to make them up for you.  Some rental shops will have them available, but they’ll likely be in a 70s-ish semi-polyester ill-fitting style that makes you look like you’re getting married on The Love Boat.

Daytime Semi-Formal: The Stroller

The stroller is a more casual style of daytime formalwear that is more achievable for most men.  Most of the clothing is identical to morning dress, above, but the tailcoat is replaced with a more manageable tail-less coat in black (or charcoal gray, in some even more casual cases).  This coat should still be single breasted with a peak lapel.

One way some men achieve this look is by having the pants and vest made (or ordering them from a traditional UK retailer), and purchasing a quality ready-to-wear suit in black or charcoal.  A black or charcoal gray suit can be worn for funerals or evening events for many years.  The coat, though, should be single-breasted and have peak lapels.  One button is best, two is fine, three is a bit much.

Evening Formal & Semi-Formal

In the evening in the US, it is appropriate to wear white or black tie, particularly if your wedding isn’t taking place in a church.  I went to a New Year’s Eve wedding a few years ago in a naval mansion, and it was lovely to see the gentlemen in black tie.  If you think you and your guests can execute white tie, then I encourage you to give it a shot, but rare is the party that can do such a thing these days, unless you and your betrothed met at a Swiss boarding school for the children of ambassadors or something.  I’ve written about the standards of black tie already, here.

The Lounge Suit

The lounge suit (now often called a business suit) was once designed for lounging.  Men did business in a stroller, and ate dinner in their evening suits.  Today, though, the lounge suit is the go-to garment for business and most events that require more formality than flip-flops.  For most modern weddings, lounge suits are the most appropriate option.

Suits at weddings should convey the significance of the occasion, and also make some differentiation from business dress.  In the latter category, the most important consideration is probably avoiding stripes.  Stripes, and especially pinstripes, are specifically for business, and have no business (sorry) in a wedding.  Black suits should also be avoided - you don’t want anyone confusing the ceremony for a funeral service, and you don’t want anyone confusing the groom for the officiant.

To convey the significance of the occasion, your best bets are solid navy and solid charcoal.  Solids are always more formal than patterns, and navy and charcoal are the most formal solids which are appropriate for celebrations.  Peak lapels are more formal than notch lapels.  Remember above all when choosing styles to choose conservatively: you don’t want your wedding photos to look like a gag in thirty years.

Shirts with lounge suits should be white, and preferably with a spread collar and french (or double) cuffs.

Shoes, as in all of the daytime options, should be simple oxfords or balmorals, well-shined.  Balmorals are distinguished from bluchers, which are more casual, by their enclosed lacing.  Above are pictured a nice pair with a cap toe and punch decoration (broguing) along the toe seam.  More decoration means more casual - a similar style without the broguing is also appropriate.  Strictly speaking, you can wear balmoral boots (though they’re tough to find for less than a thousand dollars or so).  A simple cap-toed balmoral is a shoe that can be worn in almost any situation, and is a very worthwhile investment shoe.

The Wedding Tie

Traditionally, wedding dress that requires a long tie (such as a lounge suit or stroller) calls for a wedding tie.  Wedding ties typically feature bold patterns in a simple pallette of black, white and gray or silver.  The Glen plaid is often easiest to find, but a Macclesfield, shepherd’s check, or houndstooth are all appropriate as well.  There are certainly other options, but you’ll be safe with those patterns.  A wedding tie is very wearable in any semi-formal celebration, including weddings where you are the guest.

Matching

The level of formality of clothes in the wedding party should match, but the clothes themselves need not do so.  If your wife-to-be is wearing a party dress from BCBG, you shouldn’t be wearing white tie.  If you’re wearing white tie, your wedding party shouldn’t be wearing loafers.

There is no need for men’s clothes to match exactly.  Outside of the military, it looks tacky.  Even when wearing black tie, a group of men’s tuxedos should not match exactly - they’ll look like backup dancers in a 1930s musical.  This is difficult for some women to comprehend.  Hold fast.

If your wife-to-be believes that everything in the wedding should match in color in some way, there are some very reasonable ways to accommodate this desire without turning you and your groomsmen into a doll lineup.  The easiest and most appropriate is matching boutonnieres in the color of her choice.  You should tend toward boutonnieres that are not so big as to need pinning on the lapel.  They should go through the lapel buttonhole and through a loop behind the lapel (if there’s no loop, or your lapel buttonhole is not a real hole, this is an easy and inexpensive alteration for a tailor).

If your groomsmen adhere to the standards I’ve written about above, they will look cohesive on the stage or altar.  My own groomsmen wore their own suits, in solid gray or blue, with white shirts, black shoes, and wedding ties, and everyone looked lovely.  They will also look like real people who have chosen to be there.

Rentals

Basically all rentals stink.  The high cost and low quality of rental clothing is a powerful argument for lounge suits in most American weddings.  Of course, if you have a small party, or you’re comfortable asking (or providing) more financially, purchasing clothing beyond a simple lounge suit is a great idea.

Military and Other Traditional Clothing

We say: go for it.  If your branch of the military service has uniform clothing appropriate for weddings, our you come from a culture with traditional wedding dress, then by all means embrace those traditions.  One note: if you want to wear a kilt, you should actually be Scottish.  Not just a kilt enthusiast, or 1/8 Scottish on your mom’s side, or a guy who once went to a Highland Games.

A Final Note

Weddings are a celebration of love.  They’re also a very serious ceremony, one of the few we have left.  We wear traditional clothing because it shows that we care about this commitment we’re making.  It’s a commitment not just to your partner, but also to your family and community.  Wearing traditional clothing demonstrates respect both for the person you’re about to marry and for the community of friends and family hat will support you in marriage.

PS

Seriously, don’t wear a tuxedo during the day.  You’ll look like a tool.

Resources

For some great information even more pedantic than what I’ve provided here, check out Michael Anton’s speech to wedding planners here, and blacktieguide.com for information about evening dress.

Q and Answer: Wedding Suits

Alex writes: My sister is preparing for her wedding next September and is looking for three brown suits for the groomsmen.  Where would you go to look for quality well-cut suits at a reasonable price? I would scout Ebay if this suit was for myself, but I have no idea of where to look for three of a kind. Also, do you have any strong opinions about vests under suit coats?

Really?  Brown suits?  Seriously?

I think you should implore your sister to drop this cockamamie brown suit idea.

• If your groomsmen are all wearing the same suit, they will look like they’re going to the homecoming dance without dates.
• Brown is the least formal and least useful suit a man can own.  (And I say this as an advocate of wearing brown - it suits my coloration.)
• Buying three suits is going to be a significant expense, and that money would be better spent on the honeymoon or something important.

A much better choice is to ask all the groomsmen to wear a navy blue or charcoal suit, white shirt and black shoes.  If she wants matchiness, offer to buy bespoke ties from Sam Hober in traditional wedding tie colors (black, silver, white, grey).  Shoot, she can even pick out suits for everybody in a more appropriate color if she likes.

Honestly: this color theme wedding nonsense is out of hand.  These are men, not playdolls.

If she insists on the matching brown suits, she’s almost certainly going to end up paying full retail, if she can even find something decent.  This one from Brooks is going to be on sale for a few more days.  Their 1818 line has a modern cut and decent quality, and the peak lapel is a bit more formal.  Of course, the suit isn’t really going to be of any use for the guys afterwards.  Unless they’re going to sophisticated evening events in barns.