Objectively correct rankings for 2016. See also colors, ranked.
1. University stripe—the only correct pattern for the most correct shirt, the oxford cloth button down.
4. Black watch tartan.
5. Bengal stripe.
8. Dots—As Winston Churchill once said to a woman who accused him of being drunk, “My dear, you are ugly, but tomorrow I will be sober and isn’t my neatly dotted tie pretty sweet?” Then he put out his cigar on a small child.
9. Gingham—Might have been in the top 5 a few years ago. Suffering a little from ubiquity.
Prince of Wales/Glen plaid.
11. Aloha floral—some will say “Hey you haven’t categorized patterns in a parallel way. Some of these are weaves. Aloha patterns are not created equal. And why did black watch get its own entry?” To which I say, see the top of this post. OBJECTIVELY. CORRECT.
14. Argyle—the 90s ska band of patterns (checkerboard notwithstanding). But ripe for a new wave.
15. Awning stripe—I like stripes.
17. Camouflage—US woodland preferred.
18. Buffalo plaid.
82. Louis Vuitton monogram.