WASHINGTON, DC — With the sound of honking taxis blaring in his ear, Mr. Spring Man Josh Moritz, 32, reportedly strolled down 14th Street wearing a gingham shirt and flat-front chinos as he carried a ballistic nylon shoulder bag and took in the crisp spring air.
“Such a nice day, isn’t it?,” asked His Excellency, the Duke of Spring, whose leather loafers shall feel the practical comfort of socks no more. “Spring is my favorite season. It’s like 6 pm, and it’s still light outside! As much as I love cozying up in my shawl collar cardigan, spring is when I can finally get back into triathlon training.”
“I run when I get up at 4 am; I run when it rains” added the upbeat, confident spring personage, who at several points paused to take a sip of his iced cortado. “Running makes me feel so great and gives me energy.”
Mr. Spring, who sources speculate loves hiking, camping, recharging in nature, picking fresh strawberries, and basking in the warm glow of a bonus hour of evening sunlight, emerges reliably every year around this time in his traditional gingham-shirt-and-chino uniform, sometimes layered with a Patagonia fleece when the weather demands.
The Sire of Springtime, who’s filled with chirpy optimism and can-do positivity, is also believed to be an avid consumer of seasonal produce, his vegetable crisper redolent of asparagus, apricots, fennel bulbs, and fiddlehead ferns. “I fucking love ramps.” You mean skateboarding? “No, the vegetable. It’s basically a scallion as far as I can tell.”
“I have just the right light cotton jacket and asparagus risotto recipe ready to ring in al fresco dining season,” said The Prince of Primavera, whose pleasant, worry-free countenances and self-assured smile beamed as bright as the morning sun. “I just love those cozy little fine dining experiences in hidden, open-air patios. You have to enjoy it while you still can, though, cause September will be here in a blink of an eye.”
Mr. Spring Man, who works in marketing for a pharmaceutical company, is a recent Washington, DC transplant from Manhattan’s Murray Hill. Sources said that, in addition to perfecting his half-sleeve roll, the Earl of Eastertime plans to spend part of this weekend meeting up with his friends, the Spring Gang, to talk about baseball and drink cold pilsner beers. “Getting together with the guys is kind of like a tradition,” said the walking, talking essence of the Northern Hemisphere’s annual tilt towards the sun. “Saturdays wouldn’t feel right without them.”
According to reports, Mr. Spring Man will probably just end up spending Saturday looking up photos of hecka good doggos and listening to Ted Talks on his AirPods. Before he knows it, spring and summer will pass, at which point he’ll reemerge as the shawl-collar-cardigan-clad Mr. Autumn Man.
(post inspired by The Onion, That J. Crew Gingham Shirt Instagram account, and Nick Morrow’s tweet)