Capital One today announced that they had a data security breach that’s affected upwards of 100 million credit card applications. This news follows on the heels of last week’s Equifax settlement, where the credit bureau — one the three largest in the United States — reached a preliminary agreement to pay some $650 million to resolve claims stemming from a 2017 data breach. As more of our information has become digitized, Americans are finding it difficult to control who gets their sensitive data. The ultimate details of the Equifax case are still being worked out and the credit bureau may end up paying more than the current agreement. But already, it is the largest data breach settlement in terms of dollar amount and number of victims. More than 147 million people had their financial information stolen through Equifax, which means there’s a pretty good chance you’re one of them.
Equifax is currently offering two forms of recompense. You can either take ten years of free credit score monitoring or walk away with the princely sum of $125. If you take either, you forfeit your right to take legal action against Equifax in the future, even if your identity ends up getting stolen. But if you’re interested, you can check their dedicated settlement website to see if you qualify.
In the end, not everyone who signs up may even receive their $125. Equifax has set aside $31 million for this portion of the payment, and that’s only enough for 248,000 people (everything is on a first-come, first-serve basis). But if you’re lucky enough to receive $125 for having your financial data stolen, we combed through the treasure trove that’s Mr. Porter to see what you can ALMOST purchase.
Tom Dixon’s Orientalist Scented Candle, 540g ($130)
Beautifully encased in a brass, hand-spun vessel and solid Morwad marble lid, Tom Dixon calls this luxurious candle formulation Orientalist, which is Edward Said’s word for a racist. Mr. Porter describes the calming scent as being a heavenly mixture of cassis, magnolia, and patchouli. It lasts for about fifty hours, after which you can use the vessel to tidy your odds and ends once your credit score has been burned to the ground.
Man 1924’s Fringed Printed Cotton Scarf ($130)
Everyone needs a whimsical scarf. This Man 1924 collaboration with Lovat & Green is designed with an offbeat print of turtle shells, which are better at protecting who they’re supposed to protect than a leading credit bureau. Mr. Porter doesn’t give measurements for this item, but we bet the people who broke into Equifax have them.
Palm Angels’ Embellished Cotton-Twill Baseball Cap ($135)
Prominent street label Palm Angels has embellished this handsome, cotton twill ball cap with a fake anti-theft tag. Which is perfect because we’re pretty sure Equifax’s anti-theft tags also don’t work. Wear this as a sartorial statement to show how little control Americans have over their data and how security is on your mind.
Balenciaga’s Logo-Print Textured-Leather Snap Bracelet $275
The ‘90s are back! While we still await the return of Hypercolor shirts, Reebok pumps, and wearing pagers as accessories, we’re pretty stoked to see Balenciaga come out of with a $275 slap bracelet. “Italian-made from logo-stamped textured-leather with a smooth underside, it’s constructed with flexible bands to achieve that satisfying crack when it hits your wrist,” reads Mr. Porter’s site. Now both you and Equifax can enjoy a slap on the wrist.
Asprey’s Hanover Leather Scrabble Set ($11,950)
This Scrabble game board from Asprey costs nearly $12,000. But since every Scrabble set comes with 100 tiles, that means you can buy one tile for $120 (within your budget). Have your identity stolen three times so you can spell WTF.
RRL Logo-Detailed Metal Bottle Opener ($225)
This rusty $225 bottle opener channels exactly the same rustic sensibility of Ralph and Ricky Lauren’s famous Colorado ranch. Mr. Porter notes that it’s “made from weighty, weathered metal and sculpted with the label’s emblem, like a branding stamp, at the bottom.” Along with opening bottles, you can use this as branding iron to mark your possessions once someone impersonates your identity.